


Hospital and graveyard visits

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Chronic Illness, Crying, Death, Did I Mention Angst?, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Lily and Remus are best friends, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Regret, Sirius regrets a lot, Swearing, did i say are? i mean weRE, happiness? not in my house, this is just really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 06:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15382830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He should have expected it really. From the years of high school and university, Sirius was always a player. What Remus didn't expect in his life, was carrying a life-threatening disease while having a cheater of a boyfriend.OrThe one where Remus has a incurable heart disease and Sirius visits the hospital, looking back on his mistakes.





	1. Lying in the face of death

Contrary to the belief of James and Lily, Remus did, in fact, know, Sirius was a player. The smell of someone else on his clothes, the palpable tension that comes from when their now alone, the strange disappearances he often resulted to. Of course, there's also the obvious marks that mar his skin that he displays, like a new tattoo he acquired. Remus also pretends to not know James called him out on it.

His boyfriend of four years. His friend since childhood. With Sirius now display of obvious cheating, Remus was left puzzled on how to approach the subject. That wasn't to say it didn't fucking  _hurt_ , what he was doing. But it's not like it had surprised Remus. He should have expected it really. From the years of high school and university, Sirius was always a player. What Remus didn't expect in his life, was carrying a life-threatening disease.

The news was broken to him after the heart attack. It ended in a blur of tests, and diagnoses, when he finally left the hospital, only to be faced with the concerned faces of his childhood friends. James, Lily, Peter and of course, Sirius stood around in the waiting room, frantically asking questions. He vaguely answered questions and gave reassurances. Conveniently skimming over the fact that he had a newly diagnosed heart disease.

Sirius and him went home after that, heavy silence filling the car-ride back, not letting up even when they arrived at their shared apartment. Sirius eventually asked if he was really okay to be home, and Remus continued to dodge questions related to his hospital visit. When they finally went to bed, he pointedly didn't mention the reek of alcohol on Sirius, and feigned sleep, pretending not to notice when his partner slipped out in the middle of the night. His heart squeezed painfully, the heat from Sirius side of the bed, now made Remus feel hauntingly cold.

* * *

 Remus turns over, glancing at the still empty side of the bed, sighing deeply the numbing feeling in his chest slowly spreading. The light spreading throughout the open windows gives the bedroom a rather calming feel. The pretty morning light reaching out through the room should have given him some sort of peace. Instead, the only thing he feels is a dull ache in his chest. Now whether that was from a heart that was broken or sick was up for debate. He sighs deeply once more before trudging his way out of bed, having previously made plans with Lily for tea. The sooner he was out of this hellish and empty apartment he called his home, the better.

Arriving at the Potter's home took more out of him than he would have liked. The short walk to their residences winded him, he had to take long gulps of air, trying to get more oxygen into his lungs. The signs of his newly discovered disease should have been more obvious. Realizing his heart wasn't pumping enough blood to meet his body's needs, made him shudder involuntarily.

As he regained his breathing, he gave a swift knock on the door, meeting Lily's smiling face not long after. She embraced him quickly, relief flooding her dainty features as she pulled him into another hug, her growing stomach making it a little awkward.

“Well, hi to you too.” He joked, “I'm fine Lils,” Remus assured, pulling away and giving her a grin.

“You worry me so, Remus.” Lilly scolded, ushering him inside and into the living room he was so well acquainted with. She already had the tea ready, a china tea set she was rather fond of sat on the coffee table. It was one of the things he learned about Lily in their years of friendship, she was surprisingly girly. Not to say it was a bad thing, just surprising for her fiery personality.

“Now, now, that can't be good for the little Prongslet,” Remus tutted in reply, making himself comfortable on the well-used couch.

She grinned in reply, placing a dainty hand on her stomach before sitting beside Remus. Lily had filled the two cups with tea, placing two sugars in Remus', and only cream in her own. She took a small sip before glancing back at Remus, a pitying look crossing her features and a frown etching its way onto her face.

Remus simply placed the cup down, crossing his arms, “What is it now? I already told you I was fine to leave the hospital.”

“Why are you still with him?” She inquired suddenly, determination now breaking through in her voice.

His resolve faltered for a moment, fear flickering through him for a brief moment. He shook his head, replying in a quiet voice, “You know why.”

Lily shook her head as well, taking a sip of her tea, “It's not right. You deserve someone who doesn't-”

“It's fine, Lily.” Remus quickly cut her off, not wanting to hear the words and face the reality of them. “I don't want to date anyone else.”  _I don't want to date anyone but him._  Was left unsaid, but they both thought it. The conversation was steered to something more pleasant after that, talk of the new baby that would soon be in their midst, well, not Remus'. He tried not to dwell on that thought. They continued to talk throughout the afternoon, Remus only noticing how late it had gotten when James had come home, greeting him with a brotherly hug, and a soft press of lips to Lily. Remus also tried not to dwell on when was the last time he and Sirius did that. 

* * *

A week had passed, Remus avoiding Sirius like the plague. Not that it was rather difficult, considering the man was never home. Excuses of visiting old high school friends, and trying to repair his relationship with Regulus. Nevertheless, Remus took the appropriate precautions, not wanting his resolve of silence to break if they were in the same room for too long. He had learned that the hard way, remembering a fight they had, and Sirius pleading for forgiveness, which ended in words he never wanted to say being said, and make-up sex that he heavily regretted later.

But as the week passed, it was littered with doctors appointments and consultations. Remus sat on the tall, plastic bed, absently swinging his legs back and forth. He had explained the intense history of heart disease that ran in his family, to his doctor. He was a strange man, his doctor. Sort of short and stubbly, his voice normally would have grated on Remus to no end, but he simply didn't seem to care as his Doctor, - Doctor. Binns, his brain helpfully supplied, droned on.

“Sadly the case with CAD, is there is no cure as of yet.” Binns went on, “It has a death-rate of over 385,000 people in the US each year.”

Remus just nodded, words not fully processing. The doctor looked down at his clipboard, neatly organized files that contained Remus results stacked on top.

“To really break down this disease for you,” Binns said, a grimace making its way onto his face, “So, the small blood vessels that supply the heart with oxygen and blood, become narrowed and blocked, so your heart is receiving less blood. When this happens, the heart must work harder to supply the vital organs, straining your heart, which led to your heart attack, you see.”

Again, Remus nodded, the words swimming around his head. Death-rate. No cure.

“Now the good news,” Doctor Binns spoke up again, dragging Remus from his thoughts. “Is that there are some drugs and medical procedures that can be taken.”

He said nothing, his head still swimming. Remus felt completely numb, he couldn't feel his body. The words 'death' and 'incurable' repeating over and over in his head.

“Mr. Lupin?”

Remus' head shot up, staring wide-eyed at Binns as if he just realized he was in the room. “I-” his voice cracked, and he quickly cleared his throat. “No, I don't. I don't think I'd like to take any more drugs.

The rest of the appointment went by in a haze, he only remembers Binns talking about the specific medical procedures he could go through, all to help improve blood flow, one has to keep him hospitalized. Remus continued to refuse any treatment.

* * *

Somehow, Remus had made his way to their apartment. Sirius wasn't there, no surprise. He shrugged off his jacket and shoes, before flopping down on the bed. Pulling the cover over his head, his thoughts finally caught up with him. It was a lot to process. He had a heart disease. Okay. He had a incurable heart disease. Reasoning, he could spend all his money on said drugs and operations that have a possibility to help. Remus sighed heavily, spending all his money on a possible failure didn't seem like the best option.

The tightness in his chest made him take a few ragged breaths, distracting him from the thoughts of how he never noticed his ongoing symptoms. The pain in his chest only worsening, making Remus give into exhaustion and slipping into a fitful sleep.

* * *

The next following days, their group was supposed to hang out. James had finally gotten a day off, which prompted him to make the group go out, he had been complaining about wanting to go bowling, and so there they were. Peter sitting next to Lily, who looked closer and closer to popping, her stomach getting larger by the day. James was excitedly going around, looking at which bowling ball he wanted. And then there was Sirius, who still  _wasn't_  here.

Remus and him had eventually been at their apartment together one night, the exchange tense and harsh. Sirius giving indirect replies to what he's been up to, and Remus dodging questions on his doctors' appointments. So came the settled agreement that Sirius would show up after meeting with Regulus. As if he truly believed that obvious lie.

However; true to their agreement, Sirius eventually came. Two games in, looking thoroughly pleased. His hair was sticking up as if someone was running his or her hands through it, and his clothes were rather wrinkled. Remus wanted to pin the painful squeezing of his heart on his disease. Remus also wanted to pin the worried glance Lily sent him on anything else than the obvious.

“Prongs!” Sirius cheered, throwing an arm around him, grinning from ear to ear.

Said male looked Sirius up and down, anger flashing through his eyes so quick, Remus almost thought it wasn't there.

“ _Sirius_ , mate, you're late,” James replied, emphasizing the use of his real name, voice surprisingly tight.

“Er, yeah, sorry.” He replied, removing his arm from James' shoulder, scratching at the back of his neck sheepishly.

“S'okay,” Peter replied instead, successfully gaining Sirius attention, trying to steer the tense atmosphere in a more pleasant direction.

They continued a few more rounds, mainly just Peter, James and Sirius though. Lily sat out after the first round, complaining about it being too tiring, and so Remus left as well, keeping her company on the stools they sat on. She tried to bring the topic of Sirius up, and Remus quickly shot her down, talking about a pesky cat that kept coming back to the apartment. As the day continued on, Remus and Sirius hardly interacted, only talking tensely when needed.

The first mistake Remus made was not coming with Sirius, actively setting James mode off. The second was excusing himself to the bathroom, leaving James and Sirius alone. He could hear the yelling from the bathroom still, he sighed heavily, drying off his hands before making his way back to their table.

“Why the hell are you texting someone else? You're dating  _Moony_!” James screamed in Sirius' face. They were both standing, James had Sirius phone in his hand, holding it so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Lily sat idly, pursing her lips and crossing her arms, while Peter stood on the sidelines, hands up as if trying to diffuse his two friends.

“Oh wow, thanks for pointing that out, I hadn't noticed! Sorry, does that mean I'm just chained to him now?” Sirius retorted, sarcasm dripping from his words.

Oh no. Oh god. Remus starts to panic, walking faster towards his boyfriend and James, they did not need to be fighting over this.

“So what? You just don't care now, is that it? So then break up with him, or stop fucking cheating, you asshole!” Yelled James, lunging towards Sirius, the phone forgot on the ground.

“Jesus, stop it, James!” Remus tore him away from Sirius as he finally got there, Peter then also stepping in and getting in between them as well.

“No, let go, Remus! How can you let him treat you like-” James was saying, thrashing around against Remus hold, before looking down at him. He went white-faced and instantly clamped his mouth shut.   
“Moony..” He said softly, regret marring his features.

“Just. Drop. It.” Seethed Remus, letting go of James before turning back to Sirius, who was staring at him with an unreadable expression.

He picked up the now cracked phone before dragging Sirius away by the arm, and out of the bowling alley. They walked in silence through the parking lot, Remus only speaking once for Sirius keys, and Sirius dropping them in his hands without a word. The couple drove in silence to their apartment, the soft murmuring of the radio was the only thing keeping Remus from exploding on Sirius.   
The pent-up frustration, the lack of answers, all of the hurt and pain that Sirius had instilled onto Remus was getting to be too much.

* * *

The two arrived at their apartment, but the walk up their stairwell came to be too much for Remus. He tried to take large breaths, but the lack of oxygen he was getting made him cough, breathing was proving to be very difficult. Remus could only vaguely hear Sirius asking if he was okay over the sound of his own coughing, trying to get oxygen into his lungs.

He was dragged over to their couch and pushed down onto it, coughs were still wracking his body and tears were gathering at the corner of his eyes because of it. Remus could still feel the calming circles being rubbed into his back from Sirius, and he finally regained control over his breathing. A glass was being pushed up against his lips, and he took several generous gulps.

“Are you okay now?” Sirius asked, placing the glass down on their coffee table.

Remus nodded, avoiding his eyes. Shit. How was he going to explain this? Oh yeah, I'm totally good, I just forgot to mention I have a heart disease that could kill me and doesn't have a cure. But I mean, why would you care at this point?

He laughed bitterly, shaking his head.

“What, so you're not okay?” He asked, crossing his arms.

“Oh, no, no. I'm fine.” Remus lied, looking away from Sirius. His chest was aching painfully, as he continued, “So.”

“So.” Was the distant reply, followed by a large sigh. “Let's break up?”

Remus again, ignored the painful tightness in his chest, taking a shaky breath, “If you want,”

His vision was starting to get black spots, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. The pain and tightness in his chest only increased, stress piling higher and higher as the conversation progressed. This was it. It was the end. He let it go for too long, they were breaking up. He was completely losing Sirius for good now. Small glimpses of when they were together flashed through his mind, eating away at his conscious. Remus clenches his teeth, the tightness in his chest only getting worse. Memories of summer days wrapped in each other's arms flash through his mind, the memory blurring, soft touches and muffled laughs the only thing Remus can think of now.

The distant chanting of his name forgotten in the blackness that surrounds him. The only thing he can feel is the horrible pain in his chest, from his heartbreaking or the blood flow in his heart-stopping, is anyone's guess.

* * *

 

Remus blinked his eyes open, the stark white and fluorescent light an unwelcome change to the comfortable black he was previously surrounded with. The strong scent of chloroform and disinfectant attacked his nose, making him scrunch it up involuntarily. The next thing he noticed was the uncomfortable tube that was stuck in his arm. There were a few wires everywhere actually, and it was then that he noticed the steady beeping of a heart monitor as well.

Remus glanced around again, taking note of the nurse that was in the corner, scribbling furiously on a clipboard. She glanced up, finally noticing Remus and giving him a kind smile. Her graying hair was tied up in an alarmingly tight bun, Remus noted.

“The doctor will be here in just a bit, he'll get you all squared away, love.” Said the nurse, before making her way past his bed and onto the next.

The next few minutes passed by in a general check-up manner. He was explained what happened, what they did to save him, and was asked how he felt. Apparently, Lily was called, as she was on my emergency contact list. He was dreading that particular conversation. Remus only then remembers passing out while Sirius was there, now remembering how he got to the hospital in the first place. Well shit.

He was given a few minutes before both Lily and Sirius came in, matching expressions of worry on their faces. No one said anything, seconds passing, the only sound being the heart monitors rhythmic beeping. Finally, Lily spoke up, her voice hoarse as if she'd been crying,

“James and Peter are in the waiting room too, we can't all come in at the same time though.”

Remus simply nodded, looking down at his hands that were twisted in the thin hospital blanket that was resting over him. Guilt was slowly clawing its way at him, having been caught in his lie. He continued twisting his hands over the rough fabric, his thoughts aimlessly wondering how many people had used this same blanket.

“When were you going to tell us?” Came Sirius voice, except, his voice was also strangled and gruff like he was swallowing down emotion.

Remus let out a shaky exhale, hands now grasping the fabric tightly. “So the doctors told you, did they?”

“When were you going to tell us?!" Sirius repeated, his voice was even more strangled now and it startled Remus into looking up.

He looked between the two, really taking in their appearances now. Lily's hair was thrashed and it looked like she hadn't slept, he noticed her in the same clothes as yesterday. Remus turned to look over at Sirius and choked down a sob, guilt flooding him. His hair was matted like he hadn't washed it, dark circles were blooming under his eyes, his skin was far too pale and looking over his appearance, Remus finally noticed how skinny Sirius was getting.

A brief memory of Sirius when he was a teen passed through his mind. Skinny and scared. Remus thinks back to his bad depressive episodes and self-destructive tendencies. When Sirius was damaged, how Sirius is still damaged. Remus can't stop the choked cry that breaks past his lips this time.

“I'm sorry.”

* * *

_“You look upset, Pads.”  Whispered Remus softly, and Sirius just smiled, eyes not leaving the open sky he was currently gazing up at. He wrapped his arms tighter around Remus, enjoying the warmth his lover was radiating._

_“I'm not,” Sirius answers, removing the book from Remus' hands, holding one of them while combing through Remus' hair with the other. A muffled laugh escapes Remus, head pressed against his lover's chest._

_“As much as you and James think you're good at lying, you truly aren't.” Remus mummers, untangling himself from his clinging boyfriend, much to his displeasure. “Is something wrong? Are you worried about talking to Regulus again?” He inquired, gazing up at Sirus stubbornly._  
_He smiles down at Remus before pulling his boyfriend back into his lap, “I'm just a little stressed is all, Moons.” Came his easy reply, winding his fingers in Remus golden curls again._

_“Do you want to talk about it?” Pushed the former again, wrapping Sirius free hand into his own._

_He sighed, “Not really Rem, I'm okay, I just want to lay here with you.”_

_Sirius could feel Remus' worried eyes on him, not wavering in conviction. He doesn't speak, doesn't press any other questions, but continues to look at him, concern etched across his features. Despite the heavy topic of Sirius family at hand, he can't bring himself to worry. Not when the sun is hitting Remus face at that angle, and he's looking at him with such worry and love. The whole scene is just so horribly domestic, that Sirius can't help the lovesick sigh that escapes him as he looks at his lover._

* * *

_Remus takes a seat next to Sirius on the couch of the Potter's home. James was over at Lily's, and his parents had gone away to London for the weekend. Sirius had already moved into the Potter's home, almost never talking about the reasons he left, or why he hates talking about his parents. The scars that line Sirius' back brought up a few concerned questions from all of them though._

_He scooted closer to Sirius, noticing the strong smell of alcohol on him. He had a bad day today, Remus realized. Sirius had those. A lot of those. Sometimes he could barely get up, and when he did, he would drown in the contents of alcohol, normally in his room, out of sight of the others. When Remus had questioned it one day, Sirius fave the simple reply of 'to drown out the hate.'_

_His self-destructive habits only got worse from there._

* * *

The next week passes and Remus is still hospitalized. James, Peter, Lily, and Sirius visit regularly. Things didn't magically get better because Remus and Sirius were now talking though. They still hadn't broached the subject of Sirius cheating, regularly, but they were talking. Their playful banter was back, light touches here and there, their relationship was slowly being built back up again.

James had confronted Sirius again, resulting in more of a one-sided fistfight. Sirius had broken down a few times as well, including the time now. He sat at the side of Remus hospital bed, holding his hand almost painfully tight, not that Remus would have said anything either way though. He was crying, his words spewing out of him like he just couldn't hold them back anymore.

“I'm sorry, love, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. Any of it.” Sirius choked out, “It was always you, Moony. Always. I couldn't think, I didn't know what I was doing. I've always known you were too good for me, always, always. I'm too broken. I'm too fucked up. I'm so sorry. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He repeated, sobs wracking over his body.

Remus shushed him, dragging his free hand though Sirius hair, absently, trying to calm him. He whispers soft reassurances until he calmed down. Remus doesn't saying anything about it, doesn't confirm if it's okay or not. Doesn't forgive or forget, simply mummers softly,

“I love you too, Pads.”

* * *

Hope Lupin visit the next day, for the first time. She broke down the first moment she saw Remus in the hospital bed. Pale, tubes sticking in his arms, and struggling to breathe past the tightness in his chest. It had worsened. Everyone had tried to convince him into getting the surgeries, taking the medicine. Lily had gotten so frustrated she resulted in yelling, becoming so worked up that James had to drag her away to the waiting room. Remus parent was no exception to this convincing. Offering to pay, offering to do anything just to help him. Still, Remus declined, smiling softly at his adoring mother. He felt guilty. She already paid for a plane ticket to fly across the country, just to see him. Remus knew he couldn't ask that of her.

Hope continued to cry, holding onto Remus as if he was a lifeline. Remus only distantly thought he was going to be leaving his mother the same way his father had. Exhaustion overtook his body again, leaving his mother sobbing, holding onto him.

* * *

Remus woke once more, the bright lights still as unwelcome as the first time. He was getting sick of this hospital. Of the tubes. Sick of always hearing his heart monitor, hearing it repeatedly beep again and again. Remus was mostly sick of all the pitying glances. Lily and James, Peter, and Sirius always looking at him like he was about to die any second. Well, technically, he was, but that was beside the point. He couldn't stand to see Lily and James give one more shared look to each other. Couldn't stand hearing her talk about the baby,  _Harry_ , they had decided on, knowing he wasn't going to be there. He was sick of Sirius constantly saying “I'll see you in the morning, right?” before giving him a terrified look.

Remus was tired too. Tired of the constant pain in his chest. He was tired of being here now. He was tired of not being able to stay awake for more than an hour. His spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Sirius meekly coming in.

“Hi, Moony.” He said softly as if raising his voice would break Remus. They intertwined their fingers.

A soft sigh passed his lips as he traced circles on Sirius' hands, “I love you, Sirius.” He choked out, breathing becoming more and more difficult.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, his voice was so scared, Remus noted, closing his eyes, just focusing on Sirius' hands. He heard his name being called over, again and again, Sirius voice becoming more and more panicked. The last thing he heard from Sirius was a pleaded 'I love you' before there were doctors and shouting.

* * *

Remus Lupin didn't last the night and was proclaimed dead at 3:45 AM.


	2. Graveyard visits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: lowkey sexual assault, mentions of sex. 
> 
> also, this goes through different POVs, Lily, James, Sirius

_Lily_

The aftermath of Remus' death had left everyone in a sort of loss. Sirius wasn't to be left alone, and one of the three were always with him. Mainly, it was James. Of course, this left Lily to deal with her own grief.

The funeral had gone well enough, James and Peter both spoke. Lily didn't really face it yet. The entire service went by in a haze, the only thing she really remembers was seeing a closed casket being lowered into the ground. James constantly asking her if she was okay, if she needed to cry. Lily simply kept shaking her head, the hollow and apathetic feeling filling her until she felt nothing.

It's been a week. 7 days. 168 hours.

She knew James was getting worried. She wasn't stupid, she saw the looks he gave her, the insistent questions. But Lily just couldn't seem to bring herself to care, everything just seemed so _gray_. Nothing felt real anymore.

It was a rather normal morning, she was going around, cleaning up the house. She made up the couch Sirius had been occupying since last week. Perhaps she should have been acting like him as well. Sobbing so much that she couldn't breathe, not being able to get out of bed, getting so worked up that she spiraled into a panic attack. But Lily just _wasn't_.

She didn't really feel much of anything. Of course, she wasn't happy, but she wasn't hysterical. She wasn't even really sad. A kick in her stomach pulled her from her pressing feelings, she smiled, placing a hand on her growing bump. Harry, they had decided on the name. Remus had liked it, oh he'll be so happy when the baby comes.

Lily shuffled over to the kitchen counter, reaching for the house phone and quickly typing out Remus' number, not even registering the reality she was currently in.

_“It's Remus, I'm not here right now. Please leave a message.”_

“Remus, you have to come over again soon, maybe we should go to the park next-” Lily said, stopping as James hesitantly came into the kitchen. His eyes were pinned on Lily, his hands outstretched to her like approaching a frightened animal.

“Lily, love..” James murmured softly, taking the phone out of her hand and rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

“I-” She choked, her throat felt like it was closing up. “I just forgot.”

“It's okay, it's okay.” James shushed her, pulling her into a hug.

“Remus- he-” Lily breathed out, she couldn't seem to get oxygen in her lungs. She needed to see him.

Everything felt like it was crashing down, the situation fully processing in her mind. Remus was gone. She couldn't see him again. The world felt disoriented, and she suddenly felt sick. The finality of Remus' death settling in. In the background she was sure James was asking if she was okay, asking if she needed anything.

Lily nodded frantically, pulling away from James. As if now realizing the tears streaming down her face, she wiped them away, her eyes only filling with more tears.

“I-” Lily choked out, trying to clear away the knot in her throat. “I need to see him, James. I need to see Remus- He, we need to see him.”

Her words were frantic and she was sure she seemed slightly erratic. Lily couldn't seem to keep up with everything. It was all so suddenly and frighteningly _real._

“Okay love, we can go. We'll go see him.”

James was pulling her up, and she just now seemed to notice falling to the floor in her understanding of Remus' death. James was holding her close to him, and she could barely focus as he leads her out the door and safely into the car

 

* * *

_“Honestly, how can you put up with him sometimes?” Lilly huffed out, she flipped her hair behind her shoulder._

_“Mhm, truly I wonder. Such a saint with my patience, its a wonder I'm still single.” Came Remus' reply, giving her a fake somber expression._

_“No, no, you're single due to your restless pining.” She retorted, cracking a grin and slapping him on the arm softly._

_He gave a muffled cough in return, shaking his head. They had just come from a house-party, Potter and Black acting like the fools they always were. Remus truly was the only good one in that group of idiots. Remus was also her proclaimed best friend since high-school._

_“James really isn't that bad, Lils. You would know.”_

_He gave her a coy smile over the tea he now had currently in his hand, taking a small sip. Lily felt her face flush, and turned to take a sip of her own tea, “I don't have the slightest idea to what you're implying.”_

_Remus just gave her a knowing smile before shaking his head, “Well, just make sure to name one of the kiddos after me.”_

* * *

The world passed by in a blur through the window. Lily continued taking ragged breaths, tears continued to stream down her face, her efforts to calm down only proving futile. The blissful memory of their university days being forgotten as she was stumbling out of the car.

Finally, _finally_ , she was going towards him. Passing a few rows of graves, sat a peaceful one in the corner. A spindly tree provided shade for the rows of dead, and there at the end sat Remus'.

She only broke down more as she saw her best-friends named engraved on the headstone.

* * *

_James_

He watched his wife break down further, feeling helpless to do anything. Bending down, he slowly rubbed circles into her back, instructing her to take deep breaths. James won't deny he was extremely worried over Lily's reaction. Her complete nonchalant reaction to the death of her closest friend hadn't been reassuring in the slightest, but this alternative wasn't better.

James wasn't sure how long he sat there with her, Lily breaking down into sobs every few minutes, and her panic rising again. Letting out a shaky exhale of his own, he continued to hold his wife. He knew they had been best-friends, everyone did. Ever since high school really. It was Remus that even got him and Lily together.

The fact that he was gone now was just- unfathomable.

The sun was in the mid-sky by the time Lily finally calmed down and was responding normally again.  
Her face was wrecked, eyes puffy from the amount of crying. Tear streaks marring her normally unblemished skin. Her cheeks red and splotchy, the eyeliner he amused she was wearing was smudged and also running down her cheeks.

Ever so softly, he rubbed the remaining tears on her cheeks away. He held her face, before leaning in and gently pressing a reassuring kiss to her lips.

“You're going to be okay, I promise. It'll be okay.” James whispered, emotion welling up in his own throat.

“No, no, no, no.” Lily repeated, “He's gone, James. He- I can't see him again. He's just- gone. How can he be just gone? How can it possibly be that people just leave.” She broke off again, a cry breaking from her throat.

Lily was gripping onto James' shirt so tightly her knuckles were white. He continued to hold her, stroking her hair until she calmed down again. Eventually, she was okay enough to walk back to the car, and he sat her down, making her drink some water and take deep breaths.

“I'm going to have a few minutes with him, okay, love?” James said, stroking her cheek once again.

Lily nodded rigidly, kissing his hand softly before James walked back to Remus' headstone. He sat down again, only then noticing the wetness of the grass. It was a simple grave really, just a small square, Remus' name engraved on it. The flowers that were there from the funeral had already wilted, the roses were dry now and looked rather unappealing.

James shook his head, focusing on the realness of coming to his friends' gravestone.

“Sirius and Lily are a real mess without ya, y'know?” James said, awkwardly intertwining his hands together.

“Peter too, of course. And there's me..” He coughed, clearing his throat and sighing.                                                                                       
“You could have told us sooner _–_ we could have, done, something..” He trailed off, his throat closing up. “Fuck, Moony, what are we going to do without you? You kept everyone together.”                                                                                                                                            
Furiously scrubbing at his eyes, James grasped harshly at his hands again, blunt nails digging into flesh.

* * *

_“Moooonnnyyy!” James whined, swinging his arms around Remus, the latter not even glancing away from his book._

_“Moooonnnyyyy, mooonyyyy!!!” James whined louder, shaking Remus harshly. Sirius quickly joined in, flopping onto the bed the two were currently occupying and shaking Remus' torso. They continued to chant his nickname before he finally gave in, carefully placing his book down and taking an exaggerated breath,_

_“Yes, what ever can I help you with?”_

_“I'm horribly bored you see, I do need some form of entertainment.” James piped up, his voice betraying his gloomy expression. Sirius nodded vigorously in agreement, hair shaking like a dog._

_Remus sighed, “Well, you could try reading like I **was** doing.”_

_“No, no. Wouldn't want to do things like becoming knowledgeable!” Gawked Sirius, as if it would be the end of the world._

_“Oh yes, that would be truly damaging for your bad-boy reputations, wouldn't it?” Remus mocked playfully, gazing at Sirius with a fond look._

_James couldn't help but stare at the open display of affection between the two, and the obvious admiration they had for each other. James tried to stifle a laugh, for how smart Remus was, he surely was oblivious._

_“I know! Let's get Pete and come up with a wonderful prank for the spring dance the school is holding!” James cheered, interrupting the dubbed 'Sirius-Remus-love struck-staring-fiasco'._

_Remus finally turned to him, quirking an eyebrow, “Aren't you asking Lily to that dance?”_

_James face flushed, and he ducked his head down, mumbling out a halfhearted answer._

_“What was that Prongs, can't hear you?” Sirius pressed, a grin stretching across his face._

_“Ugh, bugger off, Pads! You already know she said no! It's fine though, I'm sure she was just embarrassed.” James replied, puffing out his chest and running a hand through his hair._

_Remus let out a muffled laugh from behind his hand, his features lighting up. James was always fond of the three of them like this_.

* * *

Remus' laughing face was wiped from James' brain as the memory faded, he stood, the wet from the grass spreading a cold chill throughout James, making a shudder run through his frame. For some reason, he had a feeling the wet grass wasn't the thing making him cold.

He made his way slowly towards Lily, composing himself before getting in the car as well. She had fallen asleep, her head resting peacefully on the window, looking at her like this, he could almost believe Remus wasn't dead, and that he and his friends weren't falling apart.

* * *

_Sirius_

He couldn't think. Couldn't breathe.

Regret and longing and _pain_. It was all he could feel, all he could do. Mental breakdowns became a daily routine. Sleep was a hopeless endeavor, eating even more so. Sirius had been at Remus' grave each day, longing for the warmth of him, only to be met with the cold reality and headstone. His headstone.

Remus, who was soft and warm, and didn't deserve anything he did, was gone.

Sirius couldn't even think of the others, couldn't think of how apathetic Lily had become, how restless James was, all he could think was _Remus, Remus, Remus._

Much to the shock of everyone, the one thing Sirius didn't do, was drink. He hadn't touched alcohol since Moony was hospitalized. Every time he even thought about escaping to the numbing of alcohol, that damn memory came back, swimming in his head until he just broke down again.

* * *

_“Sirius, stop! What the hell are you thinking?” Remus yelled, yanking Sirius by the arm, making them both tumble onto the cold concrete below._

_Sirius struggled against his grip, his drunken movements sluggish and uncoordinated, leading him to be pinned beneath Remus, as he hastily took the keys to their car from Sirius' hands. Remus' breathing was labored from wrestling with him, puffs of hot air visible to the cold outside._

_“Give me the damn keys, Moony,” Sirius replied, his words slurring as he made an attempt at the keys in Remus' hands again._

_“No, stop! What the hell,” Remus batted his hand away, holding the keys away from both of them._

_Sirius, getting enough control over his hazed mind, turned them both over, successfully pinning Remus beneath him. He was still struggling as Sirius tried to pry the car keys from Remus' hands, before giving up entirely._

_“You aren't driving. No way in hell.” Remus said from beneath him, hands still closed tightly around the keys._

_Sirius just huffed in reply, shoulders sagging. He forcefully grabbed at Remus' face, pushing their lips and grounding their hips together. This in turn just made Remus struggle more, trying to push Sirius off him. They struggled around for a while, Sirius eventually giving up and pulling away, while still straddling him and pinning Remus to the floor. Even in his drunken state, taking one look down at Remus' terrified face had him getting off completely, 'sorry' spewing from his mouth repeatedly._

* * *

The terrified look that Remus had worn that day, always made him steer away from alcohol when he was supposed to be around him.

Each memory came back, really. First, it was just small glimpses that Sirius would remember, afternoons by the lake, soft laughter filling him with warmth, winters spent with Remus in the snow, rosy cheeks and counting the freckles across his nose as he slept.

Regret kept clawing its way up Sirius' throat until he was having another panic attack, knowing he was with other people when Remus was – when he wasn't going to be there any longer. He knew when he was cheating, that it wasn't right. But goddamn, did he regret _so so_ much now.

* * *

_“Thanks, it was fun,” Sirius said absently, searching around for his other shoe._

_John – Jake? Jake, Sirius remembers, was nodding, pulling the blankets up higher, hiding as if they hadn't just had sex. Sirius rolled his eyes, finally finding his other shoe and slipping it on. He double checked for his cell phone and wallet before wandering around the hallway and to the front door._

_He absently patted his hair down with one hand, trying to untangle his curls, while driving to his actual apartment._

_To his surprise, Remus was actually there that day, curled up on the bed with the blankets piled so high over his head he was almost drowning in them. The puff of hazelnut curls at the top the only indication he was there. Sirius suppressed a giggle, before a pang of guilt shot through him and he was left gazing at his lover, who was far too good for him._

_Padding out of his shoes and jacket, he softly laid on the bed next to Remus, slowly pulling some of the covers off of him, just enough to see his face poking out. Ever so lightly, he ran a hand across Remus' cheek, guilt filling him until it was hard to breathe._

_But he just couldn't seem to stop. Remus, who was understanding and sarcastic, and witty and just everything Sirius could ever want or need. Was blissfully ignorant to the pain Sirius was bestowing onto him._

_It wasn't long after that Sirius hand absently slipped past his face and into his hair, combing through the soft curls lightly. He knew Remus was a deep sleeper, and was thankful for it now, being able to gaze at him as he pleased. This was the only time he could give Remus soft exchanges and gentle touches. He was destroying what they had, he knew. Everything was tense with them now, words were cold and attitude indifferent._

_Sirius pressed a soft kiss to Remus'_   _forehead._

* * *

The memory faded, and he was left with the empty cold he was acquainted with opposed to his sunny apartment and warm Remus. He was Sirius Black. A player and with a boyfriend, he didn't deserve. Sirius Black, the one with too good of friends, and a broken past, a broken personality. He sat there then, shaking and shedding tear after tear at his dead lovers grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda short, and still trash sorry

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm beth, i still suck at writing 
> 
> \+ probably OOC   
> \+ still writing at 2 am   
> \+ these characters are hard to write  
> \+ i don't have any personal experience on/with CAD and used research alone for this story, so if it's inaccurate I'm v sorry   
> \+ also, remus has been dealing with his heart disease for a while, and it was already rather progressed which is why yknow he died so fast  
> \+ chapter two will be focused around each person visiting remus' grave !!   
> \+ okay thanks for reading this trash lol


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